The holidays can be a stressful time full of both financial stress and strain as well as eustress or good stress in the excitement of seeing others and being with loved ones. Some people are not as fortunate as others in that the holidays are a rather sad time full of memories of lost loved ones or thoughts of what ‘could have been’.  These few months are given a lot of attention and go by in an instant. We spend our time and our money on other people and things, which is important and can make us feel good, but at times we forget to take care of ourselves.

Self-care is an important concept when we are exploring the different aspects of our quality of life. At times that are stressful we tend to forget that our stress can be curbed by activities that focus on ourselves.  Self-care includes main different sub-headings such as spiritual self-care, physical, mental and emotional self-care. All of these can become affected by stress that is associated with the holidays and the attention that we feel is necessary to pay to others.  Ways that we can tell if our quality of life is being affected during the holidays is if we are more fatigued than normal, irritability, appetite changes, sleep hygiene issues, feelings of depression and anxiety, and even unhealthy coping techniques such as excessive drinking.

Although these symptoms are common during other times of the year, they seem to come out more around the holidays.  I am not saying stop buying gifts for friends, or making meals for your family or even volunteering at a shelter. I am encouraging everyone, myself included, to remember that in order to take care of others to the best of our ability, we must first remember to take care of ourselves. If the holidays are particularly a hard time for you or your family I encourage you to remember those you may have lost or to try and get out among other people in order to not feel isolated during these times. Some ideas for self-care would be: taking an hour to sit and read a book, journaling or talking to someone whom you trust, exercising, eating healthy, going to the spa, taking a nap, curling up by the fire with your favorite warm beverage, meditating and even picking up a new hobby.

Spend money on yourself in the form of going out to lunch or dinner, or maybe getting a manicure that you have not been able to get. Above all else it is about balance. Finding a balance between taking care of others and taking care of ourselves will be what gets us through not only the stress of the holidays but the stresses in life.  It is often taught in addictions facilities that “On an airplane, an oxygen mask descends in front of you. What do you do? As we all know, the first rule is to put on your own oxygen mask before you assist anyone else. Only when we first help ourselves can we effectively help others. Caring for yourself is one of the most important—and one of the most often forgotten—things you can do as a caregiver. When your needs are taken care of, the person you care for will benefit, too.”

Think about these things as we enter into the holiday season and if more help is needed than just giving yourself a manicure or taking time out for a nap, know that there are people you can talk to that can help navigate you through the tough time.

Happy holidays and remember YOU are important too!

Anxiety is not only a psychological response to stress, it is a disorder and can be disruptive to our quality of life. There are biological, genetic and physiological components that coincide with the genesis of anxiety as well as how it is experienced in people. The parasympathetic nervous system including the autonomic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system all play a part in our body’s “fight or flight” response. This is an automatic response that can be triggered by stress, trauma, or even excitement. The structural anatomy of anxiety in our brains is fascinating to say the least and its neurological components show that people who struggle with anxiety are not “imagining things” and cannot just “get over it”.

I have always said that our brains are our most important organ, controlling our heart and lungs as well as other necessary functions in our body. If we believe what society has been telling us for a long time, that mental illness is a problem, a choice and is not a disease, we are selling ourselves short to the possibilities of healing or coping with these issues. Research shows that approximately 40 million adults age 18 and older are affected by anxiety every year. Although not everyone that experiences anxiety symptoms such as rapid heart beat, shortness of breath and racing thoughts has a diagnosable disorder, there are many people for whom this is an everyday experience.

Please take a look at the graphic which shows a little of what a person with anxiety may experience whether it is one time in their lives or everyday. We should take care of our brains just as we do the other organs in our bodies. http://hardanxiety.blogspot.com/fight_or_flight.html

Secondary grief can occur with people who are not directly related to the ill or deceased person, but have a connection to them through their spouse or significant other. Both parties have emotional needs and an escalated need for support during these times, yet often we become separated rather than unified. The temptation to withdraw or isolate oneself is strong, which is when we need to be intentional about communicating they are not alone.

Stress can make us act out of character and forget about others’ needs, and stress during these times is completely understandable and natural. It is our awareness of stress and gentle encouragement from those we trust that can help us keep moving forward. Some tips for helping a spouse, loved one or significant other during grief are:

1. Remember that they cannot help, fix or “get over” what they are feeling at times and that they may not always be able to vocalize what they are feeling.
2. Ask the other person “what do you need from me in this moment? How can I help”. Do not assume that you know what to do.
3. Grief is a strong emotion and can come out as anger at times, it is important to remind yourself that they are struggling and try not to internalize projected frustrations.
4. Do not forget about yourself. You need people and things in life as well and may be equally struggling. Take care of your needs with people whom you feel close to, with activities that make you feel rested and express those needs to your spouse or loved one. feeling and try to describe your own emotions.
5. Remain in communication with one another. Be sure to ask each other how the other is and understand although they may never understand exactly what you are feeling, their feelings are just as important and valid.
6. Grief is not a competition, nor is it something to be judged or put on a timer.
7. You cannot fix another persons’ emotions, you are only in control of your own.
8. Be intentional about spending quality time together and discuss what that time will look like, spend it talking about the relationship or about fun memories.
9. Maintain appropriate boundaries by expressing your needs and gently reminding your spouse/loved one of those boundaries if a breach occurs. Ex: You have discussed with the grieving person a desire to talk about how your day has gone and have asked them to not come straight home and isolate in their room. Remind them of the need you have expressed.
10. Allow each other to feel whatever you are feeling and empathize to your fullest capabilities.

These are ways that I believe marriages, relationships and even families can continue to live together, love each other and experience grief at the same time.

www.inspirechangecounseling.org