Grief is a complicated cycle that happens after the loss of a loved one, someone you have formed a close bond to and can even be experienced in a secondary manner. Grief does not always have a connection to physical death but can also have links to a loss of a friendship, job, church, or even a routine that you were used to doing.

Grief is complicated because it riddles our bodies and minds with many different emotions at one time. Kubler-Ross’s 5 stages of grief shows us that there are 5 main stages that a person will go through during this cycle and includes: bargaining, sadness or depression, anger, denial and acceptance. The important thing to remember about grief if you or a loved one is experiencing it, is that the stages are not in order and there are no rules or limits as to how long a person “should” feel them.

Some people may feel sadness while also feeling denial, where others may be depressed and not be able to move on for months at a time. It is important that we do not judge others based on our own perceived timelines of where we think a person should be. The word “should” is a dangerous one that can add to someone’s feelings of isolation and sadness and can be quite invalidating. A different way we can handle others who are experiencing grief would be to just listen, and offer ourselves in whatever way those people tell us we are needed.

People may not always know what they need or when they are in need, but the thing they need most is to not feel alone. Grief affects many aspects of our lives including our physical, mental and emotional health, psycho-social relationships, job stability and even our appetites. Grief knows no boundaries and does not discriminate.

One of the worst things a person who is grieving will hear is “just get over it”. Throughout my practice as well as my personal experiences with grief, if there was a way to “just get over it” everyone would be using it. People who are grieving do not want to feel sad, angry or in denial. They want to remember what it is like to laugh and have fun, but it is not always possible. It does us a disservice to wrongfully expect ourselves or others to get over a feeling that they cannot always control.

Below is an illustration of the different ways grief can affect our lives. If you or someone you know is struggling with grief consider helping them find a counselor who can provide unbiased help with walking through the stages together. www.inspirechangecounseling.org

 

“He’s so bipolar, one minute he’s happy and the next he is mad”. “I’m so OCD, I want things to be in order always”. “Gosh, you’re so ADD, why can’t you just finish your sentence”.

Have you heard people say these things? Maybe you yourself have said them? I know that before I was educated in the true meanings of these words, I sure did. After working for 5 years now with people who struggling with these disorders, to name just a few, and struggling with PTSD and anxiety disorder myself, I work hard to not use them. Why is it potentially damaging? Mental illness carries such a negative connotation in our society and any misuse of these words can only persist the ignorance of the masses.

As a part of my practice, it is imperative that if and when I give a client a diagnosis, I educate them on what is going on and what the words mean. It is not to be used against them, to label them, or to give them a sentence. People who struggle with and live with these and other mental illnesses go through ranges of psychological, physical, emotional, relational and social side-effects on a weekly, sometimes daily basis.  We would throw around the words cancer, down syndrome, blindness, and diabetes for instance as if they carry no weight or are not potentially insulting, at the least bit, sensitive for many people.

Millions struggle with mental illness to some degree and as I have said before, the brain is the command center of our entire bodies. Therefore, it deserves care, focus, attention and respect. Just as we are talking this day in age about being careful what we say and to whom about things we can see on the outside, let us also be mindful about what things we cannot see. You never know what someone is going through, what their story is, what choices they are wrestling with. Education is the key to the abolishment of ignorance and fear that is associated with mental illness. It is not scary, violent or malevolent. It is complex, and difficult, yet treatable.

So what is bipolar disorder? What is OCD? And what does ADD truly look like? Well I will attach links to some amazing articles from the mayo clinic to help you begin your research. I will tell you what they aren’t. People with the diagnosis of bipolar disorder do not present as angry one minute and happy the other. It is characterized by major depressive episodes that last for at least 2 weeks and manic episodes that appear with an elevated mood. People in a manic episode may appear happier than normal, as if they can do anything and are unstoppable, they do not sleep for periods of time and can even make irrational and impulsive decisions.  Just because someone likes to be tidy does not make them “OCD”. People who struggle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder are plagued with serious levels of anxiety, coupled with the insatiable desire to get rid of it and try to prevent the disasters their anxiety is telling them is going to happen by repetitive behaviors. At times this makes people not be able to get out of the house for hours at a time because if they do not finish their ritual, or they miss one step in cleaning their hands for instance, they must start over. So it is not kind to just throw that phrase around. It is a debilitating illness. And ADD is not just a word that we use for someone who gets distracted easily. There are many reasons some may become distracted…but people with attention deficit disorder will have racing thoughts, uncontrollable movements with hyperactive portions, and can have a lot of trouble with jobs and in school because of it.

All of these illnesses are treatable with talk therapy as well as medication. They are not at all a death sentence, and those who struggle are beyond the strongest people out there.

Bipolar Disorder-

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20027544

OCD-

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/symptoms-causes/dxc-20245951

ADD/HD-

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adult-adhd/home/ovc-20198864

Around the holidays most of us begin to feel an increase in stress. Whether it is because we need to buy gifts and don’t have time or money, seeing family is difficult, or we don’t have a family or somewhere to go. We have all been there. I speak a lot about stress because I believe stress is one of the most primal reactions our bodies have to underlying emotions. During stress our bodies decide to take on a life of their own with physiological reactions that can be uncomfortable and disruptive!

Most of us know how to handle stress that is low lying on the spectrum, but for the higher stress responses it can be difficult, especially in the moment, to retrieve our learned coping behaviors from our brains. During stress what is physiologically happening in our brains are that our emotional centers such as the Limbic System, comprised of the amygdala, thyalmus, cingulate gyrus, fornix, and hippocampus become overactive.

This over activity creates the stress responses in the rest of our body due to the consequential shutting down of our executive functioning center or the pre-frontal cortex. We call this the CEO of the brain. It controls reasoning, impulse control, critical thinking and decision making. All of which are more difficult to do when we are stressed! Going back to coping skills, it is important that we learn to practice certain skills BEFORE the stress occurs, just as you would warm-up or work out for a sporting event.

What are some coping skills? There are many to choose from and some work better for certain people than others.

1. Reading-this is a great way to distract your emotions as well as engage your pre-frontal cortex.

2. Walking-exercise releases dopamine, serotonin, and other endorphins that help us regulate our moods.

3. Meditating-this can come in the form of prayer, guided meditation, yoga or just sitting in silence

4. Mindfulness-this is a great way to get re-centered. A lot of ways to make this a functional exercise is to engage your 5 senses in things happening around you. This helps with concentration and bringing you back to the present, where stress takes us to the future.

5. Deep breathing-always a great choice to do whether  you are in immediate crisis or not. Try breathing in for 4, holding for 3 and releasing for 7.

There are many other choices and exercises you can look up online. Remember through the holidays that stress is normal, but feeling uncomfortable doesn’t have to be. Regain control of your body today!

 

Many find it difficult, uncomfortable or pointless at times to talk about what they are feeling or even acknowledge something is wrong. This does not mean these people are without problems or that they are perfect even though some work hard to maintain that exterior perception.  It means that the potential for continued struggles and pain is high. The reason for this is because of the need that our bodies have to emote and the strain it feels when we choose to hold it in.

What causes a person to withhold feelings or expressions of emotions, one may ask.  There are many reasons why people do not want to share their feelings or emotions including and not limited to: past hurt or trauma, difficulty trusting, inability to explain it, maybe they were told it was “uncool” to in the past, and even power and control.  When we withhold those feelings or emotions from coming up we are doing more damage than good.

If we look at the emotional center of the brain as a cup then we could use situations and feelings as water drops. When those water drops are put into the cup and are ignored, they do not evaporate on their own. Instead they are stored as memories that we may not consciously think about. Following the water analogy, if we continue to not process or acknowledge what we are feeling those drops become so numerous that the cup will eventually overflow.

Even if we believe that those emotions and situations “just go away” our cups are still filling up. Our brains are only equipped to hold a certain amount of emotions. Without working through them with a trusted individual we run out of space. We begin to feel tired, sad, disinterested, frustrated, irritable, clouded, and even distracted. Those feelings get in the way of our daily functioning and can cause stress in relationships and our lives.

Emotions are an important function in our lives. Emotions serve a purpose. They used to be there for our survival and they are one of the main differences between humans and other living creatures. The ability to process and think critically is a gift that we have been given. This takes time to practice and learn, but it is possible and it is freeing!

We can benefit from feeling emotions even though the process is not fun or enjoyable. When we acknowledge and feel emotions and do not stuff them we are able to better function in life and relationships. We can breathe better, our sleep is better, our mood improves, digestion is better, and you may even be motivated to work out!

Clients of mine often ask: How do I do this if I have never been a person to show emotions? You start slow. Start with acknowledging them to yourself. You could write in a journal, make a list, meditate, pray, or even just pay attention to them in your head. If you are able to do this and you are becoming comfortable and accepting that you are human and therefore emotional, maybe consider talking to a trusted person if you feel you need guidance or a release.

 

I have counseled many adolescents, teens and young adults from the ages of 10 until 17. Throughout my experience with these clients I have seen a pattern in the family over or under-involvement and how it affects the client’s outcome.  I believe in family systems theory which discusses (in a nutshell) how individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family.  This means that parents have an affect on the issues their children are being seen for most of the time. You have heard the phrase “this didn’t happen in a vaccuum”? That refers to the fact that an adolescent, teen or young adult’s behavior is a product of their environment, biological factors, socioeconomic factors, emotional health and psychological health.

For the sake of this post I would like to focus on both the biological as well as the environmental factors that I see when counseling this age. It is important that parents understand that their children may have developed issues because of the ways in which they were raised, behaviors were modeled to them, and even genetic makeup. Parents will often bring their child to therapy and expect the therapist to “fix” them but are not always willing to participate in the process as part of the team. It is not always smart or in the best interest of the client to involve the family ie: in cases of abuse or neglect, however it usually yields the best long term results for quality of life improvement.

The environment that our kids live in refers to their home life. This subdivides further into: how conflict is resolved, language that is used, how are they modeling their relationship with one another to the children, what are the messages you are sending your children about love, responsibility, success and expressing their emotions and even if there is substance abuse by one or both parents. All of these factors excluding many others, can affect the way our children see the world and learn to behave or cope in it. If there is a lot of fighting at home, a child will usually be more aggressive, or can even withdraw depending on the role they take in the family. We see roles develop in dysfunctional families (which by the way we are ALL a part of). The roles are listed in the graphic at the bottom but discuss ways that children learn to communicate their emotions.

There are also possible genetic and biological factors that play into an issue a child may present in therapy. The most commonly studied are bipolar disorder, addiction, schizophrenia and anxiety. These are studied as “pre-dispositions” not a guarantee that the child will also experiences any of these disorders. However the reality of the susceptibility is important to pay attention to. That is not saying that you are hurting your child if you have a genetic history of one or more of these issues, but it is worth considering when you are raising your child and having conversations about risks if they drink etc. You can ALSO play a huge role in preventing these things from being triggered through the environment you create.

All of that is a long way of saying that there are ways you can help and hurt your children during the therapeutic process as well as before it begins. It is both a “cool” responsibility that you are able to influence your children in a positive way, as well as a burden that weighs heavily on some parent’s hearts. The most success that I have seen with teens, adolescents and young adults come when their families are involved in one way or another in the process. This can look like family therapy sessions, individual sessions, couples therapy with the parents or even short consultations with the parents to remain on the same page. We must remember that we TOO came from a family which most likely had dysfunction in it and that OUR behaviors are also a product of it.

You can help by being involved in your child’s therapy in the way that the therapist believes is best for the client. This means not being over involved and wanting to know every detail, because those details are reserved for the client and therapist’s private conversations to protect feelings of safety; but to ask questions of how you can help and what you can do differently. Conversely you can hurt your child’s ability to heal by not humbling yourself to hear that you may be part of the problem and therefore attempting to be part of the solution. Ask the tough questions, but do not shy away from being challenged if it will help your child in the end. It is OKAY that we have all developed habits from long years of poor parental modeling, but we have a chance to help our children and to stop the cycle!

If you have further questions, please feel free to contact me at 314-252-8683 or inspirechangestl@gmail.com.

 

The holidays can be a stressful time full of both financial stress and strain as well as eustress or good stress in the excitement of seeing others and being with loved ones. Some people are not as fortunate as others in that the holidays are a rather sad time full of memories of lost loved ones or thoughts of what ‘could have been’.  These few months are given a lot of attention and go by in an instant. We spend our time and our money on other people and things, which is important and can make us feel good, but at times we forget to take care of ourselves.

Self-care is an important concept when we are exploring the different aspects of our quality of life. At times that are stressful we tend to forget that our stress can be curbed by activities that focus on ourselves.  Self-care includes main different sub-headings such as spiritual self-care, physical, mental and emotional self-care. All of these can become affected by stress that is associated with the holidays and the attention that we feel is necessary to pay to others.  Ways that we can tell if our quality of life is being affected during the holidays is if we are more fatigued than normal, irritability, appetite changes, sleep hygiene issues, feelings of depression and anxiety, and even unhealthy coping techniques such as excessive drinking.

Although these symptoms are common during other times of the year, they seem to come out more around the holidays.  I am not saying stop buying gifts for friends, or making meals for your family or even volunteering at a shelter. I am encouraging everyone, myself included, to remember that in order to take care of others to the best of our ability, we must first remember to take care of ourselves. If the holidays are particularly a hard time for you or your family I encourage you to remember those you may have lost or to try and get out among other people in order to not feel isolated during these times. Some ideas for self-care would be: taking an hour to sit and read a book, journaling or talking to someone whom you trust, exercising, eating healthy, going to the spa, taking a nap, curling up by the fire with your favorite warm beverage, meditating and even picking up a new hobby.

Spend money on yourself in the form of going out to lunch or dinner, or maybe getting a manicure that you have not been able to get. Above all else it is about balance. Finding a balance between taking care of others and taking care of ourselves will be what gets us through not only the stress of the holidays but the stresses in life.  It is often taught in addictions facilities that “On an airplane, an oxygen mask descends in front of you. What do you do? As we all know, the first rule is to put on your own oxygen mask before you assist anyone else. Only when we first help ourselves can we effectively help others. Caring for yourself is one of the most important—and one of the most often forgotten—things you can do as a caregiver. When your needs are taken care of, the person you care for will benefit, too.”

Think about these things as we enter into the holiday season and if more help is needed than just giving yourself a manicure or taking time out for a nap, know that there are people you can talk to that can help navigate you through the tough time.

Happy holidays and remember YOU are important too!