Anxiety is not only a psychological response to stress, it is a disorder and can be disruptive to our quality of life. There are biological, genetic and physiological components that coincide with the genesis of anxiety as well as how it is experienced in people. The parasympathetic nervous system including the autonomic nervous system and the sympathetic nervous system all play a part in our body’s “fight or flight” response. This is an automatic response that can be triggered by stress, trauma, or even excitement. The structural anatomy of anxiety in our brains is fascinating to say the least and its neurological components show that people who struggle with anxiety are not “imagining things” and cannot just “get over it”.

I have always said that our brains are our most important organ, controlling our heart and lungs as well as other necessary functions in our body. If we believe what society has been telling us for a long time, that mental illness is a problem, a choice and is not a disease, we are selling ourselves short to the possibilities of healing or coping with these issues. Research shows that approximately 40 million adults age 18 and older are affected by anxiety every year. Although not everyone that experiences anxiety symptoms such as rapid heart beat, shortness of breath and racing thoughts has a diagnosable disorder, there are many people for whom this is an everyday experience.

Please take a look at the graphic which shows a little of what a person with anxiety may experience whether it is one time in their lives or everyday. We should take care of our brains just as we do the other organs in our bodies. http://hardanxiety.blogspot.com/fight_or_flight.html

Secondary grief can occur with people who are not directly related to the ill or deceased person, but have a connection to them through their spouse or significant other. Both parties have emotional needs and an escalated need for support during these times, yet often we become separated rather than unified. The temptation to withdraw or isolate oneself is strong, which is when we need to be intentional about communicating they are not alone.

Stress can make us act out of character and forget about others’ needs, and stress during these times is completely understandable and natural. It is our awareness of stress and gentle encouragement from those we trust that can help us keep moving forward. Some tips for helping a spouse, loved one or significant other during grief are:

1. Remember that they cannot help, fix or “get over” what they are feeling at times and that they may not always be able to vocalize what they are feeling.
2. Ask the other person “what do you need from me in this moment? How can I help”. Do not assume that you know what to do.
3. Grief is a strong emotion and can come out as anger at times, it is important to remind yourself that they are struggling and try not to internalize projected frustrations.
4. Do not forget about yourself. You need people and things in life as well and may be equally struggling. Take care of your needs with people whom you feel close to, with activities that make you feel rested and express those needs to your spouse or loved one. feeling and try to describe your own emotions.
5. Remain in communication with one another. Be sure to ask each other how the other is and understand although they may never understand exactly what you are feeling, their feelings are just as important and valid.
6. Grief is not a competition, nor is it something to be judged or put on a timer.
7. You cannot fix another persons’ emotions, you are only in control of your own.
8. Be intentional about spending quality time together and discuss what that time will look like, spend it talking about the relationship or about fun memories.
9. Maintain appropriate boundaries by expressing your needs and gently reminding your spouse/loved one of those boundaries if a breach occurs. Ex: You have discussed with the grieving person a desire to talk about how your day has gone and have asked them to not come straight home and isolate in their room. Remind them of the need you have expressed.
10. Allow each other to feel whatever you are feeling and empathize to your fullest capabilities.

These are ways that I believe marriages, relationships and even families can continue to live together, love each other and experience grief at the same time.

www.inspirechangecounseling.org

One of my many experiences in treating adolescents and teens has to do with the subject of bullying. It seems that bullying in schools through text and notes as well as cyber-bullying has become an epidemic with the anonymity that the internet and texting provides.

Adolescents, teens and most adults have become victim to a mentality that it is easier to stay behind a computer or speak through someone else in order to say what we are really thinking. The things that I have heard said about teens in my sessions with clients come from their own peers as well as strangers and sadly, even their friends’ parents.

It has become apparent to me through counseling that there is a sense of helplessness that parents feel when their teen is being bullied or harassed whether because of inattention from the school or not being enlightened about the acts in the first place. Teens have expressed that being bullied is embarrassing and shameful and many do not want to include their parents in their “battles”.

Parents who have genuine concern for their adolescents and teens have asked many times what they can do to help eradicate the problem as well as prevent it from happening again. “How can I take this pain away from her/him and protect them”? That is a commonly asked question. I have listed a few tips that I feel are important to help you as a parent feel empowered to help your child.

1. Talk with your child on a regular basis
Discuss how their day was, how the kids are treating them, any struggles they may be having and let them know you are a safe place to fall if they need to talk. Keeping open lines of communication will help your child learn how to cope with difficulties away from you.

2. Keep in close contact with the school
If you notice behavioral changes in your child such as acting out, or even isolation, it may be a sign that something is happening at school. Do not be afraid to ask the school counselor or principal about any knowledge they may have of foul play. Never do so without talking to your child first and discuss with them how it can help them.

3. Know your rights
It is your right to know what is happening to your child and you can find those things out without embarrassing your child, getting “too involved” and/or fighting their battles for them. It is okay to be kept in the “loop” about how children are acting in school, yours included.

4. Get to know other parents
Do not be afraid to talk to the parents of your child’s friends. Get to know who they are, what their morals are, it may give you a glimpse or a snapshot of how their child may behave.

Bullying is a sad but common act in adolescents and teens and always has been. The forms continue to change and the language seems more harsh. Clients that have been bullied have expressed feelings of worthlessness, depression, fear of going to school and have even engaged in self-harm behaviors.

As a parent it is part of your right and responsibility to know who your child is spending their time with, if they are getting along with their peers and if not how are they coping with it. Do not be afraid to ask questions. In my experience a parent’s healthy involvement in their child’s social life has been an amazing asset to their coping abilities and self-esteem. My heart breaks for teens and adults who are going through bullying situations. We have all been there and at times it does feel hopeless. We are not powerless in these situations and we must remember that we can be the biggest cheerleaders and softest place to fall in our childrens’ lives